That's Life!!

I have been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting lately... since a couple of weeks ago to be exact. Don't ask why? I'm clueless myself. The reflection are mostly on 'What's my purpose now?' or 'Is THIS my life?' and countless other questions. I'm lost and I'm still trying to find myself. But I was thinking, all these years of my life, what have I achieved that I can be proud of. Well, there's quite a few or a lot though. I think!!! *thinks further* siGh! I'm not sure if those are achievements that one can be proud of. Cos for me, its still not enough. Now, thats positive don't you think? But somehow its depressing cos there's so much I wanted to do and yet I'm stagnant. Like a dead fly on a lake, lying still relative to the lake, drifting only to its current, if there's any in that case. That's how I'm feeling right now.

I had a brief conversation with my head and a couple of senior colleagues this morning. Looks like I'm not going anywhere this year. My postgraduate application will not be entertained, in fact, its gonna be ignored and left somewhere unsigned waiting for it to rot. No! I'm not bitter. Just being dramatic. Hehe! :) I knew my chances were slim but to actually know now and deal with it now is somehow heartbreaking. Awwuuu! Heartbroken ku ni..to the max! Serious!! Oh well, there's a good behind every bad right......

On a similar but totally different note (Heh!!) I'm very thankful for my family and few good friends, the bond that we have among us. I cried everytime I reflect on my past, especially my turbulent relationship with my mum and my siblings as the victim of my anger and frustrations. I was the most difficult, ignorant and selfish person. It still is a struggle to me, to be a better person, though I have to say I have improved over the past couple of years. There are times when I regretted my behaviour, what I have done but I can only cringe and cry and hope to never do it again. But we never quite learn our lesson. So I had my days when I'll cry my heart's out, full of regrets, and tried to mend things little by little. Yet, it is still a long journey..... Haha! random kah? Huehue!!

Right, I'm gonna end this...........