Not In My Hand...

I'm waiting for the final words. Though it's not certain yet. It's not in my hand anymore. Oh well, I've been hoping for a break, to go away and what have I got now?

It'll be a good thing......

All Set Up.....

I was so restless last night, I couldn't sleep. It was only around 3am that I forced myself to sleep. There's so many things on my head and I was trying to rationalise them. Their pros and cons, decisions aren't easy to make.. Then again, it may not be up to me to decide. For one thing, it seems to be all set up. Don't have much choice, do I? It seems like the coming things are nicely set up for me. Lots of great things to look forward for. But I couldn't help myself to feel agitated with whether I'm capable of being a part of it. I know I am but why are all this doubts haunting me.

They say be careful with what you wish for, cos you might just get it all.

If I go, what are my chances to leave?

Soon You'll Find Its A Little Too Late

I've been very busy today. Spent the whole morning background reading on the afternoon lectures' topic. Didn't get the chance to sit idly in front of the pc. Didn't get to update the last post neither. OOoppsss!

I love Keira Knightley. I don't know why I just do. I know its totally random but who cares. I'm trying to divert my attention from writing grim, unclear, depressing stuffs which I'm agitating to write about. But enough is enough. For now though. Its so exhausting. I need a break. Will you give me a break? Cut me some slack? Will you? ;)

For once, what do you want?

All Over Again....

So the fasting season is going to start on thursday. Classes today was fun especially the last period. The students are fun with this group. I think I have a favourite group already hahaha bias!! Eh!! nada ku bias ah. Nothing wrong with having a favourite group jua. Bwoh!! defensive tia plang.

Coming up is another obscure thoughts so stay away if your depressed......heh heh heh!!

I wish I have an off button, where I can just use it a times like this. Where I can just wake up in the morning and not remembering anything. Like starting fresh all over. But we are human and thats not possible. I can't just reset everything to zero all over again. We remember, and memories hurt sometimes.

Take me to a place where disaster ends....................

Another Package To Deliver........

I was approached by the HOD to take half semester of the BLNG consultancy course this September. I have to say although the pay is good but I'm a bit reluctant to take it as I've already have 2 other subjects this semester. Unfortunately, I still have to take it as there's no other lecturer who is urmm.... eligible to teach this subject. Haha! For the consultancy course, 2 lecturers are assigned to teach one subject, one in the first half of the semester and the other towards the end. So I managed to persuade my other colleague to take the first half of the semester so I'll have more time to prepare for the classes. Hehe!

The subject for the consultancy course is a bit different from what I usually teach as it has more theory rather than calculation in it. I guess its similar to what I did last time. So I need to polish up my knowledge on the theoretical side to suplement the lecture better. The question is will I have time to want to do so? :)

Weekly Routine

This is how my timetable looks like this semester. I just noticed that I have all afternoons occupied except for saturday. Yikesss! I'm not at my best in the afternoon. Fortunately, I only have one early morning class which is great. So I guess I loses some and win some. Hehe apakan!! I thought it would be difficult to teach two different subject simultaneously in the semester but I'm coping well with it.

Anyway, the students nowadays are more cheeki-er but they are still good students. Although I've been complaining a lot about work and how mundane it is. Somehow, when I was there standing in front of them, teaching, I feel like I belong there. Its like this is what I'm meant to do. Its just the other part of the profession that is killing me. Hmm! The students never failed to make me smile. Although once in a while, they do get in my nerve. But somehow they can sense it jua and they tried to make it all ok in their own cheeky way. Hehehe! I'm refering to the seniors by the way, the new intake are urm......okay I guess. There are some good students but a few gets into my nerve all the time. We'll see how their results go in the exams.

On another note, I think I have the coolest people in my department in the institution. They just rock! Feel like family! Nyeahhhhh!! I gotta run..

It left unspoken.................

Fast End A Slow Start

I'm so lazy dat I need a good kick on d back to make me move forward. Even with the kicking I doubt I'll be making much progress. Had a quick glance at d lecture slides for tomorrow. Just need to thoroughly read through it and some other little background stuffs. I'm yet to decide which lab to do but I'll think about it tomorrow. The next paragraph is not work related.

I must say I'm much more settle now. A little bumpy along d road once in a while but I'm feeling much better. Its much more clearer to me and much much more easier. Its hard to get our life back on track once it shifted but we have to do it nonetheless. Otherwise, we are just going to drift further and further away. Heh heh!

Why should we stop the only thing that feels so right?

One of Those Days....

I'm running out of things to say. Not that I'm clueless or whatever at the moment..ok ok I am a bit clueless but I've been trying to find new things to talk about instead of....well you can see from my previous post that I've been a bit under the weather. Ok ok...maybe not a bit.

(30 minutes later....) I still don't know what to talk about. Things that I wanted to are the most things that I cannot say. Hmmm! Anyway, this post acts as my obligation to Wano who bugs me for update. Though she had an interesting comment regarding my posts. Hehehe!! Maybe I should start taking photos...at least ada jua kan d liat d blog ani. Hmmm :)

Ohh I bought a new phone a week ago. Its a Sony Ericsson Walkman (I forgot the serial number!) I love it. I love it to the max! The walkman feature has been a sanctuary for me to be on my own space even when there's people around. This is anti-social at its best. So if you want to be one..buy the SE Walkman series. Be anti social be cool! Haha apakan!

The final year project list for the students are out already. Unfortunately, one of my study, the investigation of wingtip vortices of aircraft with and without winglet has been denied as we don't have a wind tunnel apparatus for high speed simulation experiment as intended. So I'm left with one project only and that is the Air conditioning ducting system for the PLINT A/C Experimental Bench in one of our labs. I already have two students who were interested to do the aircraft project but I guess I couldn't do anything about it. I could though suggest another aircraft related project but then since nobody ask me to proposed another one so I'll be content with just one project. Tapi kesian ku jua anak dua orang atu...krg frust menonggeng drg. Hmmm! With The A/C, this girl keeps coming back to the office to tell me that she booked me for the project. Ada jua main booking rupanya....huhuhu! Ahh! Students! They can be adorable sometimes hehehe

On a string..............

You're Just Like The Moon Only Brighter......

The question of the week has been 'Will the stars shine tomorrow?' The knock-out stage of the 1st Brunei Handball Tournament is scheduled tomorrow. The final placing of the women's table is not final yet as Nakotta and Black Pearls haven't play against each other. The top four standing can change so we don't know who will play against in the semi until Nakotta and Pearls play. We've been inviting our friends and students as well to come support us. It'll be good publicity for handball as well. I'm still nursing my pinky and thumb injury and to add salt to it, my arm is quite strainful.

Anyway, til monday. lets hope we'll win. Amin! I'm actually using my cousin's internet connection without her knowing so I gotta make it a fast entry :) By the way, everyone is welcome to come to MPH to watch the finals of the handball, it will start at 2. Shooting Stars supporters please wear black and red. Hehehe!

Edited...

Just got back from Pantai Jerudong meliat fireworks with my little cousins and siblings. It was fun especially with lots of kids in the wheeler. As Nora said, kids are easily entertained and I couldn't disagree any less. In case you are wondering, I have permission of using my cousin's Wani laptop now. Hehe! Anyway, I'm sure you will not be surprised if I tell you that all day long I have been thinking about handball..tomorrow's tournament exactly. I'm quite satisfied with where I am now and how I play but anything is possible. I might fucked up when it really matters. But hopefully not. I'm not as nervous as I was earlier in the day..I think I'm more focused now which is good cos it drives the nerves away. Then again maybe this focused state of mind is temporary since I'm considerably occupied with other things especially tonight. Today's training was ok, though we didn't get to do much as a team as not all were present but individiually we managed to improve our skills. I think! Hehehe. Oh! good thing is I don't have to worry about sleeping in late tonight as the game starts in the afternoon nonetheless I'll have to make sure that I won't oversleep.

On another note, August is coming near and there'll be some honest and thorough decision to be made. I have yet to decide on it and with little time left I'm basically clueless. Then again, if I choose to accept it if offered then I guess my life will change almost drastically. Then again there's my family to consider. Can it get more tougher than this? If in case the offer is not there then its ok..its life as usual. But I've been thinking bah, you know when I'm dead or old and if someone were to ask me something like ''What did you do when you live? Anything great or something like that?' Then I'm afraid the answer will be a dissapointing no. I feel like I need to take charge of my life..do what I want to do and enjoy the most. I need to be kept on my feet constantly..I need some new challenges. Macam wouldn't it be cool if my answers were to be 'Yes, when I was working offshore in China, we were caught in a middle of a typhoon' or something like that. Okay...I know I'm weird but that gets my adrenalin running. Heh! I better stop now. Need to get home and rest for tomorrow.

The ball is in your court...........

Crossroad

It has been a very very interesting but very exhausting week. A lot has been happening and a lot need to be decided. The week could actually decide the path I'm taking for the rest of my life. Have you ever felt like you just need to start all over again..just that there's no pause or even a rewind button. Sometimes I wish I could simply stop and hit the play button, begin all over again. So what do we do? We can't just stop and whatever you know. I'm always frustrated and I think I know why. Its because I know I'm here for something more. Not just what I have now. I'm born special, unique from you typical malay girl. I yearn for excitement. A certain excitement! Something that keeps me on my feet constantly. I need to be challenged every seconds of my life.

How to find out?

Never Give Up...

Couldn't sleep early again last night, I think I might get sick. My nose was stuffed and my chest hurt. Had to drag myself out of bed to get some vitamin and ointment. Did help and I was in dreamland in minutes. Feel much better today, took some pills and 100+ to avoid getting more sick. Yes mum always give us 100+ when we are sick, it does help alot with the body temperature and dehydration.

Anyway, no surprise if I tell you that I'm preparing the lecture notes still. I'm still confused with this stuffs cos there can be two side of the topic that I'm now teaching. The calculation and theoretical side which is my specialty (esehman!!) and the other is the superficial part. Like in the syllabus it says Superheaters. So do I explain why we need superheaters and continue on to its importance in the plant, draw the schematic diagram, plot the cycle, compare with the ideal cycle and do the calculation OR do I just need to explain what it is and how it works which is much simpler, but its not really my fave area of expertise. And the first is too complicated to cover in a month let alone a week. So I guess its the latter one to proceed with then again...what kind of question can I give the students for the tutorials??? Maybe I'll just combine a bit of both yeah?? Haha! Who says teaching was easy? Allow me to slap you.

Its only 2.30 and I'm already grumpy. I'm going straight for handball practice after work. We most probably will be having a friendly match with the KB team at the end of this month. I've been asked to select players for the team but it hard now that fewer and fewer people are coming. What happen ah? Maybe they don't enjoy handball as much as the regulars do. Mcm org becinta bah, like no time to call or message or anything cos they are busy. Thats just bullshit. Cos even though how busy one is, they'll always have time for their loved ones. So the morale is when a guy say all those things to you it means that he's not into you that bad. Haha! Off topic.

The place where we had our lunch today played Boyzone songs so it is now currently in my playlist. Haha! I have the right to be what it is I'm being at the moment. Yes! Stephen Gately sings through his nose but 15 year old me said his voice is heaven. Haha! Chipmunks!! I see (hear) the truth now....

Know now who we are, know not what we may be......

Monday Daze

Next time, remind me not to sleep late if I need to do academic things the next morning!! Yawn!! Well, its not really entirely my fault as I was kept wide awake in the middle of the night by the fact that I'm gonna be doomed with the lecturing stuffs. So excuse me if all I can think of at the moment are dreams and roses. But yeah, just remind me next time not to.

Amazingly, I managed to read through few notes which I saved yesterday. The path is a bit clearer now though the rest of the journey is still hazy. Worse comes to worse I'll have to ask my colleague who is currently on leave to come around and help. Cos I might end up teaching things that are unnecessary. I think this is one of the disadvantages when fresh graduates are dragged into the teaching profession without having them experience the real working world. There's no practicality and experience to supplement the theories. And its very frustrating given that this field I'm at, industrial experiences are very very important.

Last week, few of us went to Lumut to discuss few stuffs with the people there and I brought up the issue of lecturers not having industrial experience and I was glad to hear the Asst. mentioned that the matter has been looked into. Only that we need to take into consideration of the time period that is convenient to both parties. Its a pity really given that our department particularly has a very good relationship with BLNG so we should take this opportunity to our benefit. Besides its gonna do good for both parties so why not right. Hmmm.....

If I had a choice........

Stuffed..

Its been one hell of a very tight week....and its only wednesday but I'm feeling the strain already. New things keep popping up and I'm running out of time. There's so many fucking things to do and money to spend as well. Hopefully, the break will bring out some sort of relief though I doubt it but hey one can only hope.

I know I've been talking about work lately but seriously its so bad!!! There's academic stuffs to do, then the departmental stuffs, then the administration, and then the donkey jobs. And then add the consultancy stuffs I have to do. On top of that, there's this big project that I'm gonna handle. Seriously!! I'm no superwoman! Ca kamu imagine? These things are endless with new stuff popping out almost every single day....or week. But yeah!!

Take this madness away from me.........

Little Bit to the Left..

I'm feeling a little off-centered today. I think I'm gonna be sick soon. Hehe tau lagi tu! My temperature is boiling, I'm sweating like a marathon runner in an air-conditioned room. My head feels heavier than a sack of scented rice. I've been sitting in front of the computer the whole day typing away my lecture notes. I managed 3 pages since this morning which is quite productive given the condition I am in at the moment. So might continue to do it tommorrow when I'm all energize and fresh. I'm too tired to even think about the smallest thing now.....

Actually, a cold ice blended coffee would be nice. Darn!! Si Dibs ni punya angkara!! She shouldn't have mention coffee when I'm feeling like this. Mikin tia beasuh damam/malas ku ani. Heeeee!! Seriously!! I'm craving for one now. Mr Brown will not do.

My arm feels better now. I think I might have over-twist the shoulder joint during handball and sprained some muscles along. There were cracking sounds when I rotated my arm yesterday but there were none today except for once this morning. Almost everyone have told me to take a break from sports but heck no!! U must be kidding!!

Give me the strength to carry on.......

One Week Ago

Hahaha! Atu ya! My last post was ages ago. God! Was really really caught up with work. Erkkks!! So my liaison task is no more now, and I'm back to my desk preparing things, in advance, for my lectures which is in a month. It sounds like a long time but trust me its not!! I have another consultancy lectures next month as well and the students are quite a challenge. I taught the same batch last year and education are the last things on their mind and they are very passive as well. So I'm still trying to figure out the best way of conducting my lessons. Shmuck!!

Saw four of my chinese ex-classmates at the gym on wednesday. Its nice to catch people from your past and to discover they are almost still the same makes it more exciting. I know I'll be looking more of them after this which is good. Had a little talk with them, recapping what we have been up to all this years. Funny when we were back at high school we made a pack that we'd go to Empire on New Year's Eve 2005 for our reunion. Don't think anyone went although Won Wern claimed she did come. Heh! Macam sitaie!

I still enjoy the girls' company as much as I did back then. Our class rocks!!! Back then at the beginning of the 'O' level years, there were equal number of malay, chinese and indian (and associated race) population and mingling with the different race was the last thing on our mind. Our teachers did advised us endlessly to enjoy the diversity of culture and be friends. Not that we don't want to mix with them but I think we were shy at the beginning. Time passes by and we got along well, very well and very very well. In couple of months time we became unstoppable. If before the teachers complaint of our socialising capabilities now there are really complaining of our socialising capabilities, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, its lunch time. Time for gyming. Ahhhh!! Bless!!

Its not who you are underneath, its what you do that defines you.

Busy Days Ahead

I'm so not liking the start of my week but it could be worse so I'm ok. Besides I'm trying to be a less bitter person. Hahaha right Hanster? yesterday has to be the most physically tiring day of the year...so far. Been going around the whole place doing this and that and on top of that someone spill tea on my baju kurung. Hahaha! Since I had so much to do..the fuck with the stain. Stayed at work for another hour and decided to go to the gym for a de-stressing session which works pretty well. Except that I'm left with muscles pain. I think I did a little too much on the weights.

So today is the mentally exhausting day. Yes! It is. Talking and negotiating and trying to talk people out of doing the things that they shouldn't be doing. Its tiring. And its bad or maybe good that we have handball after work. Which I was and still am (I think!) looking forward for except that at this stage of mental exhaustion I'd be so pancit. Hopefully not. Hopefully it would made me energetic, a ds-stressing session, throwing balls...I like! Heh! Like a raging bull going mad in the middle of town. Grrrrrr!!!

Ayte...Excuse me


Looking at the same star...........

What Teachers Make

Something worth reading......

The dinner guests were sitting around the table discussing life. One man, a CEO, decided to explain the problem with education. He argued, "What's a kid going to learn from someone who decided his best option in life was to become a teacher?"

He reminded the other dinner guests what they say about teachers: "Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach."

To stress his point he said to another guest; "You're a teacher, Bonnie. Be honest. What do you make?"Bonnie, who had a reputation for honesty and frankness replied, "You want to know what I make? (She paused for a second, then began...)

"Well, I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could.

I make a C+ feel like the Congressional Medal of Honor.

I make kids sit through 40 minutes of class time when their parents can't make them sit for 5 without an I Pod, Game Cube or movie rental...You want to know what I make?" (She paused again and looked at each and every person at the table.)

I make kids wonder.
I make them question.
I make them criticize.
I make them apologize and mean it.
I make them have respect and take responsibility for their actions.
I teach them to write and then I make them write.
I make them read, read, read.
I make them show all their work in math.
I make my students from other countries learn everything they need to know in English while preserving their unique cultural identity.

I make my classroom a place where all my students feel safe.

I make my students stand to say the Pledge of Allegiance to the Flag, because we live in the United States of America .

Finally, I make them understand that if they use the gifts they were given, work hard, and follow their hearts, they can succeed in life.(Bonnie paused one last time and then continued.)

"Then, when people try to judge me by what I make, I can hold my head up high and pay no attention because they are ignorant...

You want to know what I make?
I MAKE A DIFFERENCE.
What do you make?"

Teachers make every other profession


Well..the truth is, not all teachers seek the profession as a last resort. Some of us become what we are because we wanted to. I knew even before I had my degree that I was going to be one. I guess its in the blood. It gives us a different sense of achievement, one only teachers would now. Okay, I'm not gonna ramble on.....too tired to. Besides kinda already talk about this achievement thingy in previous post so go find em' :)

Tell me something and I'll tell you everything.........................

Re-Stricted

I'm officially the worst students' nightmare. I quoted a colleague 'I think you are the strictest one, look at the grades you gave' Another colleague was shaking his head when he looked at the same grades and uttered 'GILA'. Well I'm not talking about exam grades plang I'm talking about personal inter-skills grades that we assess the students by observation and few other things. The same person also said 'Be LENIENT!!!' when he handed me my papers after the exam. When I come to think about it, if I were to have a lecturer like myself, I'll hate him/her for sure. Then again, its not like I wanted to give them low grades on purpose I'm assessing them on what I think they deserved. And somehow others think they deserve better. SiGh!! This is the donwside of having different lecturers assessing the same skills. Some students can easily score with one lecturer but not the other. I reckons that if my students were assessed by a different lecturer they might have a higher marks. Oh well, I was being honest when I was assessing them so thats okay. Humph!! How can we make everyone happy?

I'm enjoying the weather for the past few days. Its been awesome!! Haha so much reminds me of UK. I love the cold, don't know why. I'm just plain weird. The office is freakingly cold which really adds to the winter atmosphere I'm enjoying at the moment. And the view outside my window are just perfect. Green trees against the darken skies. Perfecto!! What's missing is my hot latte. Hmm!

The girls and I (and man!) are going swimming (and snorkeling) later after work. Haha! This should be interesting. Let's just hope there aren't a lot of people so there'll be little embarrasment. Kweng! Kweng! I need to go hiking one of these days, I'm getting so unfit. I'm so unfit that I'm going to crawl my way out of this post. Dragg.................

Do you know the real story or do you prefer the lies??

Attack of the Pondans!!

Handball SUCKS yesterday!!! Like more pondans are joining courtesy of the other pondans in the pondans land. Jeezz!! I have nothing against them or anything, but its just too much. And if you ever been around pondans then you know how bossy and shameless they can be. Completely shameless I tell ya! They even dare to interfere with our training, one incident this one pondan, I'm gonna call him Mama-pons just left the training cos HE wants to play volleyball. Like what? Its annoying really cos its affecting the others bah. I know you'd say just continue the training but then this is the training where we were individually numbered so we have to make passes to a specific number. So kalau si Mama-pons and her kuncu2 left then we have to start over again jua tu. Then when they wanted to join us back we have to do the same thing. Sial man those amphibians! Hahaha! Amphibians cos of dua alam.

This one time Mama-pons took some beeps from the beep bag without asking. Mcm belabih banar! Seriously man! How annoying can they be? I mean I respect their confidence and high self-esteem but can you please be a little considerate? And during the game all they wanted to do is score eventhough the defenders had their hands up in the air blocking their shots. Play the game properly man, pass the ball around look for the weakest point, or a lapse in the defending. Ani nda, they just barged in like they usually do. They didn't even listen to anyone not even the coaches. Lately, the girls are frustrated with them and their game are deteriorating. I know I speak for myself and the rest that we present yesterday. We need to do something! Tie them up and send them back to the cave kali. Jeeezzzz!

I've been quite busy today, sorting out my students' project and some other things. I'm gonna apply to do a post-graduate course next year. The deadline is mid February so I have about a week to sort out my course and uni of choice so I can send them my application. Haiyaaaa!! Its very difficult to find a postgraduate course from here. Tried surfing the internet few times but then most of the information given are not in details. Besides, I haven't really make up my mind of what course I want to do. I'm interested in Renewable Energy plang, and I'm sure its very useful in Brunei but I couldn't find sufficient information on the course and university that offers the course. I'm thinking of going to Australia, Melbourne to be specific, but then I couldn't find information on such course at the university there. Humph!! Susah susah!

Minx and I are going for a golf-drive this afternoon after work. To release all the tension from, surprisingly or not, handball! Yes! handball is driving us nuts at the moment. Bad nuts! SiGh! I'm gonna continue with my surf now.

I hope to see you, you weren't there.........

Pure Exhaustion

Handball was really really exhausting yesterday's evening. Nonetheless, it was fuckintastic to the max!! Haha excuse me for the swear words..I don't know why but I tend to use these kinda words regularly now. Anyway, we had more time for training yesterday while waiting for half of the court to be available. Too bad I wasn't in the same team as the gang but that didn't stop my team from winning hahahahaha :p

Okay enough of that, I have been busy lately preparing stuffs for the first general CIPTA meeting this saturday. But the good thing is that I've been given a colour printer in my office. At least mcm mewah jua kan my office. Haha I'm definitely enjoying the extra facilities tho the asst. did warn me not to misuse it. Bila jua?? *winks* I'm supposed to be in a meeting now but then given how busy I am today I'm sure the others will excuse me. Now, I'm just taking a quick break. Yeah right!

Oh God! Its going to be a long week this one. Tomorrow we are going to Temburong for the Lionesses outing. Saturday's gonna be a busy day with the general meeting. Afternoon lagi we have handball, then the secret affair at night..Teheee!!! Oh man! I'm totally drained this week, no surprises there huh. Don't even have time for thoughts...Shmuck! Thank God for Anna Nalick! And she sings.........

'No one can find the rewind button now...............'