I'm Sorry I'm Not As Perfect As You Wanted Me To Be

I am many things. And one of them is commitment phobic. I have a fear of commitment. I guess I have my valid reasons. And don't argue! Its valid! Anyway, I don't have any specific point for my claim above. I just want to come clean with myself. To embrace my fear, to acknowledge my flaws and maybe try to fix it. To be a better person and to feel good with myself.

It's not I wanted to be a commitment phobic. It just happens to be that way. It has been proven many times that I am. I didn't mean to do it intentionally. I didn't mean to hurt people along the process. I had no control of the demon inside me. The one that constantly tells me to go away, leave! because its getting more and more suffocating. But I'm aware that people got hurt along the way, and I can't offer them any good reasons. Because a fear of commitment shouldn't be a reason at all. But it is for me, sadly.

I don't expect you to understand because I could never understand it myself. It's like a disease that won't go away and I have gotten used to it. There's nothing much I can do about it really. I mean, how do you fix a commitment phobic? One might say, it will change when I found the right person to commit to. But I don't think so, because the issue is not about the other person. The issue is about me. I am a commitment phobic, this is who I am. I'm sorry, I'm not as perfect as you wanted me to be.

"Intimacy is a four syllable word for 'Here's my heart and soul, please grind them into hamburger, and enjoy'. Its both desired and feared. Difficult to live with and impossible to live without" - Meredith, Grey's Anatomy

I thought I found the remedy but I was wrong.........