Lighthouse

Lighthouse

I reach across ocean to beach,
Pitching beams over green waves
shriveled like wet paper.

Perched upon a granite pedestal,
I flash away stars,
shepherd seafarers, and
illuminate lovers kissing on the sand.

I revolve, scan tides
the waning moon controls,
pierce mists settling to sleep
upon the water, which whispers
a nautical lullaby.

As the sea and sand and fish rest,
I am a swift sun: I sweep
the horizon, lonesome,
extinguishing the dark where
love breeds.

I stretch my limb of light,
but never far enough;
I fail to touch the dunes.

Amanda Guarrasi
Copyright ©2006 Amanda Guarrasi


No time to blog at the moment.....................

Lioness Sleeps Tonight

What a day it has been. Didn't go to any open houses this afternoon cos Grandma came. So she asked me to stay and eat lunch before I go. But we didn't finish lunch til 2.30 which is kinda late for me to go. Sorry guys :)

I was so hyped up wit today's game that I arrived first at d field. This is SO NEW! Semangat bnr. Then d manager came n he was surprised a bit dat d opponent was nowhere in sight. We later found out dat they weren't informed, tho their supporters came n was also surprised to see they weren't around. So d techinal committees awarded a walk-over game, wit 3 goals in d bag. And I thought it was going to be hell! Easy win huh! Then again we were dissapointed not to play. Nobody seems to care bout d win. Its good but victory is sweeter when we work for it right? And in case u wonder, we never lose to this team and hopefully it remain this way. Hehe! So congrates Lionesses.

Cos we were all excited to play already we had a game of our own. The attacking players vs. The defenders. The scoreboard guy even wrote L.LNS 1/2 for each team. He had d game time displayed for us too and he kept up wit d score so it was a bit like a real game. Hehe! So d strikers won 4-0 wit 2 goals named to no.22, one to no.7 and not forgetting 'our friend' also managed to find d backboard. As for yours truly, maybe next time :) Needless to say, I'm very exhausted.

Saturday's gonna be a very very long day..............

Energizer

My plan to wake up late dis morning didn't materialise. In fact it was d opposite! Woke up around half past 7 and I couldn't get back to sleep. At times like this when I need to have a good rest, then PHOWW! my body rebels.

My schedule is so packed today. Have 3 open house invitation but most probably I won't make it to Izz's. She even mentioned her menu in her text but thanq babe. I can't and will not eat Tom Yam before game. Only good carbs and plenty of water can come between a player and her game. Hehe! What are d chances of finding healthy food at one of d open houses? :)

Had a chat wit Eyan again dis morning. She's online more frequent now. Hmm...wonder why!? Then mentioned to her dat I wanna go to DQ for some smoothie loving. And her reaction was something like 'Euii...isn't that too sweet!' haha then I said 'Aku mau for my energy' and she goes 'Buat sendiri lah!'. I replied wit 'Bah carikan d recipe on d net' which was answered wit a dissapointing 'Karang tah' Hmm yeah thank u very much babe! Haha I'm still waiting for it. Knowing her, I did a little searching and found some recipe on how to make yogurt based energy drink. After noting on 3 different recipes, I dragged my brother along to Hua Ho to buy the ingredients for my E.D! The 3 recipes are similar so I decided to make one dat uses all ingredients except ice cream. How can ice cream be healthy?

So here's d recipe for my own energy drink:
1 cup of milk,
1/2 to 3/4 cup of fruit juice,
2 big banana,
2 kiwis,
or u can have any other fruit that u like but banana is a good energy source,
5 tablespoon of plain yogurt,
little bit of honey, and
3 tablespoon of oats.

Its good to use chilled ingredients but otherwise u can put few ice cubes. Then BLEND!

Dunno yet if it works or not. Will inform u guys on dat later. Haha! I'm gonna meditate now..........

I'm planning to shut ur arrogant mouth today...........

Friends and Memories

Haiyaa! Everything concerning work seems to go wrong dis afternoon. Maybe becos I wasn't around. Dis finals thingy is getting into my head now. Urghh! My lecture notes aren't done yet. I think I'll just do 'talk and chalk' in d next lecture. Saves me more time......Wheeee!

Dis afternoon, I told Mingster I didn't feel like playing hockey at d moment. Not that I've lost interest or whatever its just dat its raya and tho I was careful wit my diet, somehow after a month of not doing a real exercise my stamina has been heading south. And to have a match soon is unimaginable. Furthermore, my pending work occupies most of my time so I just want to settle that first. But I did go dis afternoon, I wudn't be fair to d team if I didn't and I only managed to run about 200m for my warm up. Hahaha it was very bad! The rest was at d end of the training drills when I arrived. Then we had a game, 3 touch each, mix team as opposed to d usual gurls vs. guys. I was into d game but my stamina is nothing to be proud of. I was drowning for air, my heart was burning n pains everywhere. We stopped for d magrib prayers then continued wit our penalty corners tactics. Tho my stamina has been controversial but my hitting is something to be proud of, haha! Perasan! It only need a little adjustment with d direction. Glad I came as I'm one of d essential player in d corner tactics. We worked on three main tactics and one contigency tactics 4 dis coming game Haha! Psst! STOP and HIT!! U know who u are :p Scarlet will definitely make an appearance tomorrow. She has been impressive tadi. Besides, she strikes best at time like this.

I'm catching up things wit Eez at d moment. She's coming back soon and hopefully we can hang out and do crazy things like we used to do. God! I kinda miss her now and her crazy antics. Remember the times when I come and visit u down in London? We lazy asses stayed in bed d whole day. And when u and Nina were trying to dress me up for clubbing? Hahahaha dat was something! And of course dat one time where we got........... Haha! Trust me! Its NOT wat u people are thinking! I had so much fun when ur around babe. Hehe :p

Wano Jubs, God! I swear I heard u laughed tadi. Ur family was here, had a little family open house tadi. First incident, I was walking out of my room and saw Fiqah. She looked just like u from d side. Mcm I was so bangang suddenly I felt like I was dreaming. I just stood there and watched her cos it felt Iike I watching you. Hehe oh then I hugged her haha she must have thought I've gone nuts. Then a while later when I was in my room doing my work, d family were being noisy as usual and they were laughing and dats when I heard or thought to hear you laughed. U know, the one dat starts off with a loud squeak n your ever so lively and sincerely happy laughter. Oh God! I must be missing you a lot these days. Love you loads Jubs!

Its draining me emotionally............

Sea of Thought

Sea of Thought

Caught within the timeless ripples of your past
when thoughts adrift on tideless waters so calmly pass.
Although in peaceful pools, a mind grows stagnant still,
without the flow of inspiration, ideas and plans go unfulfilled.

Until some unforgotten wake of dreams, surfaces sad memories,
carelessly casting your mind's vessel, upon the open seas.
Bound towards an unreachable horizon,
chasing the sunset's distant destiny,your sailing ever onward now,
you believe your mind is free...

As time's sand sifts through your hands, all around you never changes,
tossed about by pounding waves of questions asked throughout the ages.
Drifting darkened cloudy thoughts, brew storms filled with confusion,
and the calm within a mind's eye of the storm is a subconsciousillusion.

Now you're fighting hard against the winds of doubt and indecision,
with no safe pot in view, searching deep beneath the depths of
deception for some sign of sunken truths, just a hint of hidden proof,
one of your treasured dreams can still come true.
Though you will find, there will always be a time,
floating here, within this current state of mind
when you begin to miss those peaceful pools once left behind...

Edward A. Liptak
Copyright ©2006 Edward A. Liptak

Thoughtless

Workload has been reducing tho only a bit but its so much relief. At least I managed to start a few more tasks and if I can get them done as soon as possible. There's more waiting for me on my other desk...Erkkkkk!! I keep on telling myself that its only for a couple of week so again...hang in there mate!

I'm not planning to stay til late today..I might even go earlier. I have few stuffs to sort out and I need to go do what I love doing the best later this afternoon :) Yes, I'm slacking a bit today but I well deserve to be. I'm still getting some progress today so its not that bad. Anyways, have 2 open house invitations tomorrow starting with Li's and then off to Siti's. I'll try to do that in less than 2 hours and not eat much especially oily foods! Maybe I can tapau the foods back and enjoy it after what I expect to be 'the most torturing' thing ever.

I better get back to my work...its approaching noon soon. I think I'll stay for another hour or so.


I want to run away.................

Will You Smile?

I fear, I hurt and I saw your smile,
You speak, you listen and you smile,
I fell, I bleed and I saw your smile,
You breathe, you stare and you smile,
I smile because of your smile,
Now, I want to make you smile with my smile.

- End -


The night drifts off quicker than I blink............

Beautiful Dream

Another long day, so much to do. D final ques are done, will do d solution nx week. I need to prepare notes n tutorials for my lecture next week.

I had an online conversation wit a fren dis morning about me being spot-on on most things especially if it involve love and hate relationship. I must say, I have to agree! Haha! I'm blessed wit dis gift to sense things, when its right or otherwise, people trying to hide things and watever it is, most of the time, I was always right.

Mingster was telling me about her 'a bit' younger days back in Scotland. She sounded excited, must be d sweet memories, and sad too probably reminiscing her old and more meaningful days. While listening to her trying to picture her life back then, it suddenly hit me dat life IS a DREAM! We live in dis exact moment, not a second ago, not even few years back. We can't turn back time so watever memories we have, well! there are just memories, just like a dream. A very distant dream. I mentioned how our lifetime now may will be a distant dream in d after life (refer to 'A Dream Within a Dream' entry) But to think about it, life is a dream even now. Try as hard as you may, but u can never go back to ur past or even be who u were yesterday. Doesn't that scare you? As, relative to time, we have no where to go. We are stuck right here...and yet we are lost in time. I'll leave u with ur thoughts.

I had you in my mind...........

Let Japan Sink!

Don't ask me wat d movie is all about. Didn't concentrate at all and luckily I managed to connect to msn. Or else I'd surely sleep. Almost did but it was too noisy for my comfort. I had so many expectations but I went home dissapointed. The scenarios are possible but d whole story reminds me of cheap Japanese Godzilla style kinda movie.

Been trying to sleep for an hour now but I wasn't able to. I had a long day and I know I'm very exhausted. I was yawning throughout d movie and on d way home. Maybe its past d critical time kali dats why now I can't sleep. Btw wats wrong wit DST ah everytime it hits midnite. Its been more than a week already. Urgghh! Fucking annoying!

Gubra is on Ria now. Its very different from d usual malay box office films. This is a sequel to Sepet and I think d main motive of d film is d diversity of Malaysian cultures and lifestyles. There's more to d movie than just that tho. It reflects reality unmistakebly (spelling!) and d dialogue are of our everydays life. There's no fairy tale ending wit dis film but I'm sure it connects more to d audience cos its raw and meaningful. Moreover, d story is not superficial and some might find it a bit controversial. Again, dis is my opinion so.........u know wat to do if you disagree!

Why do I feel like you're drifting away from me...........

The Settling Chaos - The Sequel

Nothing is sweeter than to go home after a long hard day at work. And nothing is more frustrating than to go back to an empty one. D family is at Grandma's dis evening.

Had lunch wit Lia at noon, went to d optics to have our specs made. I need one desperately now dat my last good specs is now wrapped in plaster. Broke d handle n I cudn't find any tape. Forgive me for being creative! :p The new one will be ready on Thursday. I don't wear glasses most of d time but had a little scare wit my right eye last nite. Scratched it when d contacts still on. So dats why I made a new decent specs, in case of emergency.

Gonna hang out wit Lia n Eyan tonite, chill a bit then off for a movie. I'm so exhausted but Lia already warned me not to bail out. At least Eyan's picking me up and maybe I can doze off during d movie. Hey! At least I'm there right? Haha Darn! Its quarter past 7 already? Excuse me.

The cold shower will wake me up........

The Day Chaos

Its been a very very long day...and I'm not complaining. I really am not! I kinda enjoy it tho being so indulged with work. Its the headache that annoys me. I'll stop for panadol extra later. Ada yang super super extra kah? :) I'm still at the office..Thank God my neighbour next door is still here or else.....I tell ya, there's other existence in this place. One that get active when it gets quiet and dark and...u don't believe me? Come and let us spend the evening here. The trick is not to stay after 5.30pm....which is 3 minutes ago. Errkkkk!!! Anyways...will blog more again later. As of now, there's still things to do.

I'll leave you beings with this....


Alone With My Thoughts

If life was a vast ocean,
Then I'd be a curious swimmer
Diving into the depths
Of unexplored blue water
Beyond.

If life was a hard oak tree,
That would make me a determined woodpecker
Striking my eager beak into the impenetrable wood
With all my might
Until I find what I am searching for.

Since life is like what it is now
Here I am, a thoughtful poet
Writing about existence
And trying to discover
Its meaning.

Kathleen L. Pequiras
Copyright ©2006 Kathleen L. Pequiras

Evening beautifuls.......

Punked!

My Oh My! Nature surprises me yet again. When I arrived at work after lunch the day hinted it was gonna be sunny wit scattered clouds for d rest of d afternoon. I pressed d button dat pulled d car's side screen a few centis down to let d air circulate so it wouldn't be as hot. As I was settling down on my old chair, in my humble office I somehow glanced outside only to be greeted wit dark clouds, d bad ass clouds of all scruming towards d coast. I contemplated a bit whether it was going to rain or not. Again nature has a mind of its own as it started to pour as hard as it can. NOW, I must go and shut d screen up. BUT, umbrella oh umbrella where art thou? Luckily, my colleague has one but then I have to wait for it as he need to save his car from flooding. He told me dat his car seats were wet already. Darn! d tissues and shoes in my car must be swimming by now. To make matters worse he also said that d umbrella wud only keep my head dry. He showed me his soaking back to prove his words. Haha ok! Well for d love of my car out I go to d oh so far car park. I have to walk bout 100m in d rain!! And to cut it short I finally managed to find dry land and not to mention my soaking baju. The kain was so gripping on me legs! Me legs! Oh my! not a pretty image. It wud be easy to track me down by following d wet patches I left behind. Haha! So d moral of d story is, only God knows everything, yang Maha Agung n Maha Mengetahui!

Anyways, spent d afternoon til 5.30 mind u! preparing d exam ques. Only one ques to go, I'm not sure yet what to put as I haven't cover d topic. But will definitely finish it tomorrow. Moderator's meeting is d day after. Haiyaa! Hopefully they agree wit d standard of my paper or else...Oh no! I don't want to think about it.

Oh yeah! I was having fun at work today it was enjoyable. Of course d day started of like urmm ok lah but then I was very very focused on what I wanted to get done today so it was very fulfilling. Haha! Its a hate and love thing dis me and my work. And I can't divorce him cos kami kawin contract! Hahahaha! Hyper banar!!!

So if u can fight it, join it. Join and join and follow d rules like fools. Dis rules set up by those people who urmmm set up d rules basically. Hahaha! I think I'm in a stress-withdrawal mode tonite.

I want to be hypocrite once in a while.............

Differentiate My Day

Slept early last nite (at 12am) Yes! thats early for me as I needed to be fresh for my lecture this morning. The topic today is quite difficult for the students to understand cos the concept behind it is so complicated..as long as we understand it each step at a time. I was having difficulty to explain to the students in a manner that they can understand. The working is actually simple its just the concept of it. Whats the point of knowing how to solve something when we don't even understand the concept behind it right?

Anyway, I think its the mentality of Bruneian students jua kali cos they are so dependent on the teachers. Talk about spoon-feeding or feeding spoon hahaha or spooning feed! Hahaha bwoh! Ok back to what I was saying...I realised that the students are reluctant to know more other than what is given in class. They only rely on the teachers to give them information. They lack initiative, less adventurous and irresponsible. Don't blame them totally cos that they way it is in Brunei and they are use to it. But...isn't it frustrating to know that if we were to have different attitudes we might go further than where we are now? Bruneians are too laid back for their own good and they are too comfortable with their way of life even if their bank balance barely make it to the next payday. Given how rich the resources are in Brunei..we could have been in the eyes of the world by now. Why not take all this opportunities to actualise our dreams and visions while we are still bless with this mortal resources. One day...its gonne be a little too late. Then again, maybe the visions and dreams are there just not the initiative.

Sometimes it better to start off rough so that we can appreciate luxury better.........

Oh No!

Priorities! Priorities! Priorities! I don't know what my priorities are anymore at d moment. I have been slacking since d start of Ramadhan maybe dats why. Humph! Teaching resumes tomorrow and I so am not looking forward. But there's only 3 weeks remaining til d semester end and a good fren always to say to me 'Hang in there!' when I get frustrated wit anything. Hahaha where most of d time my reply wud be 'YOU hang in there!' So I'm hanging in.

Last year I developed dis fear for mondays cos its d worst day of d week for me as compare to d rest. But you'll say who doesnt hate mondays but I really really hate it. Its more like I was classically conditioned to despise monday. The thing is I only come to work on monday as I was in UBD for d rest of d week for my post graduate certificate. And there's dis colleague of mind who irritates me so much mcm he's always proposing tasks yg not really necessary. Major idiot. I shared d same subject wit him dats why. I had a talk wit d head not to assign me with him anymore and d head understood my situation as he himself found its difficult most of d time to work wit dis person. I'm bug-free now, and I don't hate mondays as much as I used to. Just d normal hate dat we all feel towards d day after d weekend.

Its been ordinary today went out for raya wit d family but only visited 2 houses as I got grumpier and asked to be sent home. No open houses today except one but didn't go as I was still in bed. Mum's chicken rendang kampung is so to die for. Makan makan makan! Darn! I must go for a jog sometimes this week. The next game is a very important one. Win it and we will secure the medal standing. Its best to secure it now than to leave it to d other remaining game. We have d chance to finish a step further dis year.

Oh God! this headache is killng me......

Showers of Laughter

What a day it turned out to be? Muiz joined us for d open house visits and we only managed like 30+ minutes of quiet time. As soon as we arrived at Siah's place, funny and memorable events started pouring in. Though I didn't know her personally, Siah is very friendly, warm and pleasant. Out of all open houses (where I didn't know d hostess/host) she really made me feel welcome. The chocolate cake was delicious n we couldn't stop indulging it.

We then drove our way to Ina's all the way from Tutong to Bunut. It was raining quite heavily throughout d journey but d atmosphere in d car was filled wit laughter. We spent more than an hour at Ina's becos we couldn't stop munching on her fatty cookies. They smell and taste like famous amos and thank goodness we were at Ina's cos we can ask for more which we did. Huehuehue!

I really had fun today, and whats amazing is dat I enjoyed yesterday wit d gurls too. I'm blessed wit fun friends and good company. I had a chat wit my best cousin this afternoon. She agreed wit d things I talked about here especially the entry bout my temper. Tho she's a few years younger she's very smart and thoughtful. She said something that kind of humble me in a way dat it made me realise dat deep within me there's a good person and I just need to find a way not to let my bad side reign. So thanx Wano, I really appreciate it babe. Love u Jubs!

Btw Ina, ur brother reminds me of someone. Haha so if ur interested to know more u know where to find me. Hahaha!

Manchester United is playing really well. I hope Ronaldo finds d net so he can give me lots of points. Cahill scored too so dats at least 6 points in my bag.

My feet is aching to kick ur balls...........

Raya Fever

Woke up to a stuffy nose this morning...not good! I said to myself. I dragged myself off bed and had a little walk around the house to actuate my body and mind before heading for the shower. Came in late again..only becos its still cuti time here. Otherwise, I'm very punctual and a dedicated worker :)

Anyway, nothing much is happening this morning. Ina's open house is today..got her message this morning. Mingster is asking me if I wanna go with her to her frens open houses after lunch and Tee is also asking me if I wanna go to only one open house invitation during lunch. I know...I'm hot stuff!! Hahaha wishful thinking ^_^ Tee's offer sounds reasonable so I'm going with her to Tutong then to Ina's and I think I'll meet Mingster there.

The guys at the office also offered to bring me out for tea/coffee this morning but I nicely rejected. I'm not in the mood to be stuck in the male species' conversation this morning though they do make quite an interesting company. I'm just not up for it....blame the nose don't blame me. Besides, I need to finalise my notes and everything for the lecture on monday which I already fininshed so thats off my back for now.

Tee's logging off...........I have to go!

Girls Raya Out

One thing I hate about dis hp blogging is dat once d connection is lost, there's no way to save d entry, can't copy n paste, can't anything. So please excuse me if I refused to write d whole thing again. Its a shame cos we had a very interesting day wit our open house visits. So lemme just talk bout something else dat kept me thinking after dis afternoon conversation wit d gurls.

So this afternoon someone blurted out 'he's not my type' (we were talking about a guy so dis may seem blur to you unless you were there) only to be greeted wit a 'Ehhy' from Mingster and 'Asta' from Izz (haha nama glamour!) but then I think I understand ur situation. When we have an idea of a perfect partner and someone who's not 'd type' comes along, it is very difficult to decide whether we should give it a try or not. But then we will never know unless if we give it a go. We compromised a lot wit dis life, when we can't have what we want we just have to make do wit wat we have now. And most of d times, dis compromised thing is way better than what we initially want. And dis is because what we want is not always what we really need.

Furthermore, usually, d one thing u really need is d one thing u can't see. Make sense? Bare wit me! I'm saying things right off my head so excuse me if I'm not making any sense. Anyway, even if we were lucky enough to meet d perfect person (d one that met all ur criteria) u can't guarantee it will last forever. Relationship is a trial n error thing, if ur not happy, u have d right to be selfish to do watever's best for ur interest. So worry not if u break a few hearts. We only live once so why not live it for ourselves and do things dat makes us happy.

Life is such a mystery and I'm still lost in it...........

White Balls of Ecstacy

Suddenly, the thoughts of you tempted out d hunger in me. Oh white balls! yours is a taste to savour. The tenderness n d sweetness of you as I bring you to my lips and and d taste of heaven as you succumb to my needs. Oh u make me high my dear kuih mor!! Haha what? Were u thinking of something else? ^_^ I bet Mingster will plang ni. Haha she's blessed wit wild imagination. Huahuahua!

Looks like we are not going anywhere tonight. Not in d mood I'm just too lazy. Its not my cup of tea really. Got a few open houses to go to tomorrow afternoon. At least I'm up for that one not becos there's food but for d certainty of going to a place rather than just going around visiting random houses hoping the tenants are around. Not fun!!!

Currently watching Fear Factor wit my little bro. I don't know what has got into him. He's wearing a checkered shirt wit only the two lowest buttons hooked. Shorts dat can be mistaken for a boxer or is it actually a boxer? Hmm collars up and topped up wit greased hair which will definitely make him d next bujang lapok. Hahaha! He never fail to stun me.

Nana texted me dis afternoon saying if I know dis gurl. In fact I do n she's an ex-classmate back in MD. So she asked me to email her and I definitely will on saturday. I remembered we were close acquiantance (spelling!) back in those days. This is definitely a pleasant surprise.

I'm hungry.......

Half Awake

Its thursday!! I love thursdays but not today as its back-to-work day today. Came in late this morning....what do you expect? I'm not exactly the employee of the year you know. Hahaha. So I don't have any plan for today yet. Mum might want to bring us raya-ing again later in the evening. Tee is having an open house today....Ooppssss! I asked her if there's any open house invitation from the staff here and she goes..Yeah! Me! Hahaha its more of a family function and no one at work knows about it and I should not know about it but she invited me and my trustee sidekick Mingster Kweee Kweee nonetheless...so now we are thinking if we shall go or not. Membari malu jua...but then it will be rude not to go cos she invited us already. So Ming...if you go I go.

I was hoping to get some useful work done while I'm in the office but haha I got some 'work' done alright. I'm more than halfway through it so thats good. Fucken darn...I still need to prepare the paper for the finals. UrghhhH!! Its due at the end of this month so I have 5 days to do that. Erkkksss..I'll spend a good 2 hours next week and get it done.

I can't get connected to blogger..don't know why. Maybe someone blocked the access again...hopefully not! However, I managed to find a way to blog today besides the usual 'hp entry' from home. I think I should get back to work.......

Btw, Wano! I can imagine you doing that..you barging in with your ever so loud voice and your cheeky smile.....*don't cry* Jubs we all miss you here. Will try to take some raya photos and videos for you. Your not missing much just kuih mor, popia, cornflakes, tapak kuda and everything else that you don't have other there *grins* hahahahaha

My work is calling out my name............

Sticky Sweaty Me

God! Its hot today! I thought it was going to rain this morning but d weather has turned. I feel so unclean n I don't think I looked fresh. I need a shower! Did I mention dat I sweats more nowadays? Even in air conditioned area! Yes! That bad! I think its my body telling me dat I need to exercise. I miss hockey! My car air-conditioning is now fixed, I hope! D gas needed a top up and luckily there's an open workshop in Serusop. Its a bit cooler now but not as cold as I expected.

I was told in countless occasion that I loses temper easily. After endless thinking, I have to agree dat my temper is my worst trait. There's not a day when I don't get mad. Its a one thing dat I'm not proud of. I tried various meditating methods to cool myself. One dat I remember to work well (means okay lah! Haha) was dis meditation stones as told by the chinese lady, banar kah nda. So wat I do is to just play wit it in my hands. I usually had it in my pocket n play wit it when I get furious. But I lost d friggin' stones, I can't remember how. Maybe I threw it at someone when I was throwing a tantrum. Or maybe I swallowed it to keep my inner peace. I can't recall, it was very vague. Hahaha! Is there any shop in Brunei dat sell those thing? I got d last one in UK. I need to find those stones urgently!

On a serious note, I really really need help wit my temper. So please help me! I'm begging you from d bottom of my heart. Save me from my inner monster. I don't want to hurt people anymore.

If only I can turn back time.......