Holiday Pics: Sabah

Holiday Pics: Singapore

I still need to get more pictures from Nora and Tee

Beyond The Same Horizon......

We don't achieve things just by sitting still. We don't get things by doing nothing. We have the sole responsibility to make ourselves truly happy, whatever it takes. Pure happiness and contentment that radiates from within can only make us so. We need to grab any chances that we have. That we tried everything in our might, leaving no trails of regrets behind. Because some opportunities only come once, and some don't come at all. We have to stop waiting for what life brings for us specifically. Instead to make better with what is presented to us. For all the frustrations we experienced, we have nobody else but ourselves to blame.

It's better to make the wrong decision than doing nothing at all.........

The Three Tourists

From Singapore trip, will try to upload more.

She Has More....

Enough said! Hehe I love!

Living Lies....

Pretending comes easy when you can't accept reality. At the end of the day, you inflicted the pain on yourself. Things that has been said, cannot be unsaid. Things that has been done, cannot be undone. Sometimes acts are based on emotional circumstances, to get away from reality. Often, it bites us on our back.

Some tend to cover the truth with lies. The lies they build on themselves. The lies that they surrounded themselves with. The lies that has gotten out of control and eats them alive.

What will become of us.....

There She Goes Again.....

Expect a hiatus from me starting today til friday. I'm off to Kota Kinabalu for a relaxing vacation. Can't wait to revisit the mountain. There's something serene about it. Maybe its the majestic peak, or the ambience of its surroundings. Or simply the cool temperature of the place. For all I know, its a soothing therapy for me. I'm not expecting anything kick ass awesome or extreme retail therapy as my latest trip to Singapore. I'm coming to Kota Kinabalu for some peace and quiet. It's going to be a blast, hopefully, in its own way.

There's always a way to be content......

The Manchester Man

My bro Phad is currently watching Manchester United play against Newcastle at The Theatre of Dream. He sounds really excited and is having so much fun. I'm so jealous but I'm extremely happy for him. He worked his ass off with part time jobs, saving up his students allowance for his UK trip. Though his Manchester United dream expenses is paid by yours truly huhu make his dream come true, why not. I'm glad that United are playing brilliantly feasting my brother with their excellent game. And Ronaldo has just scored his 2nd goal.

I stayed in Manchester for four years and I never get to watch the Devils play. Now, whose fault is that?

It comes easy......

What Could Have Been.....

There is something charming about spontaneity. It's truly living in the moment itself. There is something alluring in the moment that make one to be spontaneous. To grab life by it's horn kinda thing. Unfortunately, I didn't have enough guts to be spontaneous today. Whatever happens to my 'Just do, don't think' motto. I lost it along the way of being thoughtful. Heh?!

Being spontaneous is about being capable of taking risks and facing the consequences. It is somewhat courageous, don't you think?

Going on the extra time........

What Leads Us Here....

People are willing do anything to make the person they love happy. Anything! It may or may not be the right thing to do. Be it an act of wisdom even stupidity. It's selfless yet selfish at the same time. Without thinking carefully of the circumstances, they act on their instincts, a one moment in time. A moment when all that drive us is nothing but love. Sadly, there's no guarantee of a happily ever after.



Yet to find a memory for us to cherish.....

The Alchemist of Words

I so love Paulo Coelho and his books. He defines life brilliantly. He observation and perception on life and everything related to it is so spot on. His ideas are simple, yet pure and honest. People like him helps us to make the better of our lives.


The latest post in his site was about the story of Apollo and Daphne:

The god Apollo pursues the nymph Daphne into the woods. He is in love with her, but Daphne - who is always being courted by everyone - can no longer bear her own splendour and calls on the gods to help her, saying: 'Destroy this beauty that never allows me any peace.' The gods hear Daphne's plea and transform her into a tree. Apollo cannot find her, for she is now merely part of the vegetation. Daphne behaved in a way that is familiar to us all: we often destroy our own talents because we do not know what to do with them. The mediocrity of being 'just another person' is more comfortable than the struggle to reveal everything we are capable of, using the gifts that God gave us.


In response to the question: In Veronica Decides to Die, you have portrayed a young girl who tries to commit suicide... , he wrote:

No, it's not a book about suicide. It is about the necessity to accept our differences, instead of trying to fulfill other people's destiny (like the destiny that our parents choose for us, for example). When, as a young man, I insisted on being a writer, my family sent me to a mental institution-not only once, but three times. Veronica is based on this experience. We must stop following the 'Manual of Good Behavior', this non-written book that guides our life, and dare a little bit more. Veronica is bored, because she realizes that today is the same as yesterday, and it will be the same tomorrow.

By the way, talking about my experience in the asylum: there are some battles that kill you, and some that make you stronger. For me, it was the latter. I never saw myself as a victim of circumstances, but as an adventurer who must, from time to time, cross troubled waters.

For more insightful view of Mr Coelho go to Paulo Coelho Blog

In a New Light....

Selamat Menyambut Tahun Baru Hijrah 1429 to all Muslim readers of this humble blog. May the new year brings us more blessing and serenity, InsyaAllah.

Taking it as it is......

Rainy Day

Was looking forward to play hockey this afternoon and the thunderstorm happened.

New Additions

Can't wait! I have 5 other books to read in addition to this 4. Haha! Crazy much?

In The Now......

The past and future are what haunt us everyday in our life. We think the present is hard and unbearable. But it really is not. It is when we try to understand what had happened or to think of what will happen that makes the present unbearable. That is all we need, to focus on the present, live in the moment. Not to be consumed by the past as it is drifting further and further away from us. Not to worry about the future as we'll get there someday.

I want to do that, I am trying to just deal with the present because it is what I am presented with. We can't dwell on the past or the future, what we have is the present. It is in this moment that we have a complete control of. So why not make it the best as we can?

I read 'Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do'

Things not worth fighting for........

Venturing Into A New Territory....

Greetings my dearest! I'm back! The trip was fuckintastic kick ass awesome. Had fun the whole trip though it was very very exhausting. Bought 4 books, didn't get to spend as much time as I would prefer at the book stores. But got the books that I wanted. So it's all good!

The trip was a trial for my 'Don't think just do' motto and it surely was enjoyable. Sometimes we contemplate too much on whether or not to do something and ended up not doing it. Well, I skipped over the contemplating and just do. Of course there were lots of money well spent. Did get to do few of sightseeing and other tourists activities. Took the opportunity to get up close and personal with the dolphins. How often can one touch and pat a dolphin? It has to be one of my best lifetime experience. We wanted to try the luge but the only way back was by a skyride and since Tee was so afraid of height, we didn't.

Will try to do a proper post tomorrow, InsyaAllah. By proper I mean one of those obscure thoughts. Need to write something to make sure that I still have my contemplating ability.

Playing the game on our own..........

A New Chapter

1st January 2008, a perfect day to begin a fresh chapter in my life. Somehow today everything seems to fall into the right places, that everything made sense.. Somehow, the storm is over and the sea back in its calm state again.

On a lighter note, my ultimate new year resolution for 2008 is to always find the positive in everything. My 2007 resolution was to be a better person and I think I've achieved that in a way only I could understand. It's more to the intrinsic quality rather than the obvious. Anyway, so with this new resolution I hope to achieve greater things and be the person I thought I'll never be. Whoever it will be.

As continuing on my pursuit of happiness, serenity and contentment, and to enjoy life and just do things without having much thoughts in it, I'll be going to Singapore tommorow. Haha! Too exxaggerated? Oh well! I deserve a break after all the hardship that I've been through. Hope for it to be a BLAAAAAASTTT!

So, No!, I will not be able to blog until I get back which is sunday. Please be patient my dear friends. Hiatus will be my middle name for now. For now!

It seemed like we wanted things different as long as they stayed the same...........

An Educating Year

2007 has been a very very tough year. It has been emotionally exhausting. A roller coaster ride right from the start, the lows were soul draining whereas the ups were exhilaratingly gravity defying.

Mid year I came to an easy conclusion that 2007 was a bad year for me. Yet, as it approaches its end, I realised that I was completely wrong. All that had happened had taught me to be a better person. 2007 changed me in a way I never thought possible. And I am still learning. What doesn't kill you only make you stronger. As a human, there are many things beyond our control. Eor whatever happen, we always have to look at the brighter side of everything. For everything negative, there's also the positive. We just need to look at both sides of the coins. To read the fine print of life, to understand the little details of the picture.

I am thankful for what 2007 has brought me. Truly grateful for what changed me. And truly looking forward to what to come in 2008. May it be better in every way. Amin!

Life revised.....

Still Learning.....

How far is one willing to go for something uncertain? Taking a leap without knowing how to land. Taking chances, thats what it is.

Just One More Time

The world becomes smaller their words stinging in your head
Their hands sometimes like a snake constricting your air
That feeling of dread when you must pretend you don't care
That look that you have let them all down once again
Protective hands around your shoulder
That panicked feeling they are just like all the others
Around in circles my feelings go
One day I may want you, the next I don't know
Come near me, leave me, don't talk to me, come to me, a dance of disguise.
My feelings I sometimes hide, don't look at me with despair
I am not a person that you need to repair.
Dance with me in the light when you can,
Leave me when the dark enters and your touch is too suffocating to bear,
Don't ask for more that what is now,
Don't tell me I can be more
Just accept me as I am, and perhaps we can dance again some more.

-The Naked Heart

Little Pieces...

Can one move on completely leaving the past, having no association with it anymore? Like a newborn child, to have a fresh start. Or are we shaped by the past? That even though it's beyond us, little fragments of it stays forever within ourselves. Do we embrace or resist it? What if both are impossible to do?

Cut, Fun, Extreme, Sunburn

The great start to my 27th year continues. Went to Pantai Seri Kenangan yesterday with the Lionesses and the hockey guys. Within 5 minutes I arrived there, I was already riding a motorbike. That's right. I rode one yesterday, not the big road type, just a medium size one. And it was fucking AWESOME!! There was definitely a need for speed. It was euphoric! Kick-ass to the max.

I also rode an atv with Pye since she was there as well with her family. There's so much happening at the beach. The fun and laughter was non stop. I also walked along the mile stretch of the beach looking for seashells and basically indulging myself in the beauty of my surroundings. It felt real good and peaceful. And we didn't return empty handed though it wasn't my catch. Huhu!

In the afternoon, armed with thick sunblock which made us looked like second hand chinese opera, we braved the sun and played beach soccer. My team won and I must say that the girls did display an impressive game.

I injured my shoulder again. It came off a bit, not as bad as the previous two. But it was as painful. All in a day, I guess one can't take all in without giving something out. It's all good!

By the way, yes Nur! I was told we can eat those Belangkas. I quote 'it's a crab crayfish!' haha the shell of that monster is so thick and hard. One can make an armour hat. Huhu we didn't eat it though, we gave it to the Pinoys/Thais next to us.

Last night, the family had a BBQ/Doa Selamat/ Tahlil at my uncle's. Cousin Wana is back in Brunei for 2 weeks. The little cousins had a costume slumber party as well last night. It was such a brilliant day yesterday.

There are always good things..........

Truly Blessed: A Heartfelt Tribute

Sometimes my blog seems to be a channel for me to release all my anger and frustration as well as other bitter dark issues. What the readers might failed to notice (and I wasn't doing a very good job at that probably) is that I am blessed with loving family and friends.

There is a truth, when one do good deeds, good things will come their way. I know sometimes I let out my frustration of being unappreciated, unnoticed or something along that way, but the past couple of weeks has been a real eye opener. I get rewarded in a way that I never thought can happen.

As obvious as it was, I had one great birthday this year. It was as if I am somebody to everyone. Maybe I am, maybe not. But it was a nice gesture. A very heartfelt and beautiful gesture.

First, there was the first advanced celebration on 14th december. Minx baked a cheesecake, which was a very thoughtful of her. It was not a grand celebration but it didn't matter really, did it?

Then, on the 21st itself, again I was surprised with a birthday cake by the Kiranas during futsal. Again, it's not the degree of the celebration that matters but the thoughts behind it.

Later, that evening, I celebrated my birthday with the family, the whole clans from my mother's side. Had three cakes and I was showered with lots of hugs and kisses from my little cousins. Never have I felt so loved that day.

And then, come last night, 24th Dec. I thought I was just having a normal sisha-ing session with Tee and Nora when Minx and the rest of the girls and boy stood behind me for a good 10 seconds before I turned around. My final birthday surprise, as the closing ceremony. It was really really unexpected and I was very very stunned. It showed on my face, as I was told. Made me wear a lei around my neck, and a Santa hat as well. The great party was held in the private lounge and by the end of it, I couldn't believe it still. Takes time to sink in I guess. Unbelivable really to go through such trouble just for me. But as I said, it come unexpected at the least time expected. That was the most beautiful about it I must say.

I thank all my family and friends for kicking start my 27th year of life with love and more love. Special love and appreciation to my family especially my mother for always making us the centre of her universe. I also owe it to Minx for the thoughtfulness and efforts she put into the three separate occasions. Thanks for making it a blast. Thanks also to Tee, Nora, Hana, Erda, GRudy, Pye, Antz, Didi, Sufar and the Kiranas. I'll always remember this for the rest of my life.

Everybody is a somebody to someone.......

Costume Slumber Party

The little and not so little cousins and sibs with their costumes.

An Urge To Photoblog

Will write a proper post soon. Definitely have interesting stuffs to talk about. I'm exhausted with a capital X.

A Beautiful Day

A place for friends to gather and have fun. Fun? Fun is so underrated today.

Final Activity

Beach soccer with the Las 'Lionesses' Leonas and errr ITB male hockey team.

What We Caught Today

It's called Belangkas. And we also collected 2 seashell, a big size clams, straight to the BBQ.

Birthday Cake No.6

Another surprise. Thanks beautifuls.

Born Philosopher

I finished reading The Alchemist under a day. It's such a beautiful book, there's something magical about it. I don't know what exactly. It's so powerful and yet simple. I'm still captivated by it. I'm definitely going to read more of Mr.Coelho's books :)

I received another book as a birthday present, AGAIN!, from Antz. Jodi Picoult's Nineteen Minutes. I've 6 books to read. Say what you want.

They want it to continue.........

Finding a New Reason

Another birthday present. Thanx Di. Have I established myself as a book geek now?

Paulo's Best

I finally have it. Will start reading as soon as I'm done with Crazy as Chocolate.

Birthday Cake No.5

My brother paid for this cake. Such a thoughtful gesture given he's still a student and its from The Empire.

Birthday Cake No.4

My sister bought cakes 3 and 4. Thanks luv

Birthday Cake No.3

Birthday Cake No.2

The gurls surprised us december babies during futsal.

Birthday Cake No.1

Minx's homebaked cheesecake

Life and its Predictability.....

When life doesn't make sense and seems to be out of control, it's a good time to find a new reason and perspective to keep us going. No matter how hard life is, going through it is the only option. So it's ok to find a reason, no matter how lame it is, to help us going because that the only choice we have.

There's so much to life that are underrated. It is the hard and difficult stuffs that we remember the most not the good beautiful memories. So it's difficult to see the beautiful ones when shadows of the bad memories cast over it. Am I even making any sense here? Anyways....

There are two categories of people in this world. One that tries to make things better and one that doesn't. The latter makes life complicated with their pride and prejudices. Intentionally inflicting pain on themselves and people around them. They are sadists that way, not to mention ungrateful and insincere. That's just the way they are, never ever going to change and never ever going to learn.

Assuming is preferred than knowing the truth.......

Busted

Well.......Well.......Well! It's getting more and more interesting. There's definitely something going on. I can't put my hands on it just yet. Let it linger for a while. Maybe it was just a one time off thingy. Who knows!

Why is it we try to chase things that are right in front of us.........

Bleeding Internally.......

It's hard to see the whole picture forming when you pay too much attention to the little pieces of the puzzle.

In need to see a second impression......

Good To Be Alive

Thanks Di for disturbing my beauty night sleep. How can you accidently called me at 3 o'clock in the MORNING? Or was it just an excuse? :p SiGh!

I chocked myself with toothpaste foam while brushing this morning. I was gasping for air and I thought I was going to collapse right there in the bathroom. Managed to breathe easy after lots of forceful cough. Talk about an eventful start for a day. I'm left with a really bad headache and sore throat which is a blessing compared to what had happened. Can I consider that as a near death experience? *_*

It's as if we are one........

Our History Rules Us...

Is it possible for people to love us and still have no idea who we really are? Are we the sum of our memories, or do they instead keep us from ourselves? If we abandon our past, can we then, finally, be free?

Embracing Insanity......

Life is beyond human's comprehension. To understand it completely is simply impossible. These routines we go through, the things we do, the pains, the euphorias, are all the little pieces of the bigger picture. We can try to put two and two together but we can never be sure, can't we?

I like to believe that at one point, everything will make sense, that we can see the whole clearly. Somehow I sense that this point will come when the end is too near. Sounds morbid?

I'm a bit disturbed at the moment which I kinda like. Though it made me come up will all this dark thoughts. But it's good to hit rock bottom once in a while. Makes me feel alive. Makes me more human.

Who's in it with so much to lose?

The Northern Light........

The extremely hot day brought a beautiful starry night with it today. Another proof to that there's always a blessing in every unwanted events. The silver lining of the dark clouds. We just need a little bit of faith and believe that everything happens for a reason. Always!

It's necessary for us to look at the positive side of things. It may not be easy but we can always try. Even the effort is good enough.

Learn to blame yourself not others........

Lymah's Majlis Bertunang

Kirana's No.11 with her tanda bertunang. Congrats! :)

The Zahir

I had a conversation this afternoon with a good friend regarding another friend of ours. I realised that love is a powerful thing and a good enough reason to transform a person. In reality, we let our life revolve around an object or a person, the Zahir as Paulo Coelho puts it.

The centre of a person's life can be of anything or anyone. One live their life devoting themselves wholly to their Zahir. It amazes me how powerful the Zahir can be. That it can transform a person completely in order for them to devote themselves to it. Driven by love (or obsession?) one are willing to give up everything just for their Zahir, the nucleus of their life.

On the contrary, isn't it scary to devote our life to something mortal (unless one is completely devoted to God) What happens when it is gone? One can either choose to move on or continue on living in such state of devotion with the same Zahir. A little percentage choose the latter one. Makes me wonder if is it still worth living for?

What if it was never it potrayed itself to be.........

It Hits Home.......

If I had a choice
I'd leave all behind
If I had a choice
I'd make you leave my mind
The things you had me do
Everytime you knew I would
I wanna say that I was aware
But I can't.......I can't

You whole life could be all about one person. But what if their's was not all about you? What is there left to do?

A war is what you made of it.......

Exhausted

I've finished reading The Pact an hour ago (alert! Nur! alert!) It was hmm I don't know how to say. It was part frustrating and part agitating. Hmm enough said

I want to talk about it But this is not the time. I don't think there'll ever be a right moment to. I hope your conscience is clear.

Neverending.....

Gotten Used To.....

There's a saying that goes 'Human being requires 18 inches of personal space'. I need bigger dimension.

Ask yourself if you're happy.....

Breaking Free....

Certain things are worth fighting for while some things are not. Sometimes people take things for granted. And they make the wrong choices. They do things they later regret. Too often, they blame it on others. People failed to rationalise and compromise. The reasons of it all remained unseen. Most of the time, it's beyond mending.

For some to trust a stranger comes easy. Rarely, to trust a friend.

They go unappreciated.............

Asmah's Wedding

I'm mobile blogging. Can only post one pic per post.

The Newly Wed

Sorry for the quality of the photo. Heee congrates both of yous ;)

Post Futsal: Part Three

Post Futsal: Part Deux

Caught!

Post Futsal: Part One

Hehe! One loves it, another hates it :p

Asmah's Malam Berbedak

The pretty bride two days away from her bersanding.

Soul Adrift.....

They say in order to get on with you life, you have to cut loose of your past. How to? Which part of it? I'm yet to figure it out.

Nur, I'm definitely going to get that dvd we talked about. Maybe I'll be inspired :/

Even the brightest star stopped shining somehow........

Towards Madness.......

I found myself obsessing again. Obsessing with getting everything under control. Insane really!

I'll deal with the physical pain for now.......

Second Kirana Wifey

Congrats to Asmah and Abg Hj on their adat bernikah last friday. This post is so overdue.

Moving Cheese.....

Sorry for the lack of post. I've been adapting.. Adapting to changes in life. Nothing too critical, it's all for the better. Little adjustment here and there. Adapting to small (yet probably significant) changes. One of the changes really is to not think too much of the unhealthy thoughts. So in order to do that, the whole thinking domain was overhauled making yours truly temporarily incompetent.

Excuse the pyschobabble from this recovering thoughtless manic.

Sometimes all we need is a little faith.......

Dreaming Away.......

If you have built
castles in the air,
your work need
Not be lost; that is
where they should be.
Now put the foundations under them.

Henry David Thoreau

Contentment Control: Part Uno

ALMOST everyone have been asking me how I am or whether I'm alright or otherwise. I don't understand why. Maybe it's my vibe around them. Probaby it looked like I'm not in the crowd, a loner all occupied with her problems. As if I have 'Down due to LOTS of problems' written on my forehead. When in actual fact, this is one of the few times when I'm at peace with myself amidst all the chaos around me (and relative to my complicated and complex life). Let's just say I'm learning how to shut this unnecessary things out of my thoughts. And when I'm doing well at it, in my own opinion, people think it's the opposite.

I know I did write about seeking contentment by going to the beach in my last post. But that was just me seeking serenity on a personal (or can I say spiritual?) level. It wasn't because of anything superficial. It's more like getting the contentment out of feeling nothing. And to reward my mind for taking breaks from any depleting thoughts.
Enjoying the moment as it presents itself.

Of course work is getting more hectic as the semester ends. But that's how work is. About me being quiet? Well, I'm very comfortable with silence. What best way is there to spend time with myself alone?

(On a totally unrelated note!) It's pathetic when one thinks they can get the better of me when they don't. Not even a bit. Come on! It's purely pathetic when they are throwing all these cheap remarks at you and think they'll get a reaction and have the last laugh! Seriously!? Seriously!! My life is not as sad as you. Hahaha!

It's better to live your life unperfectly than to live someone else's perfectly..........

A Little Piece of Heaven

I went to the beach yesterday afternoon after work. I suddenly had the urge to go. So I did. The weather was mild after the rain, the cool moist air and the stunning gray sky.

The waves were crashing further inland than the last time I went.. I quite enjoyed the scenery with the continuous massive waves and it zephyrs. I just sat there, thoughtless, enjoying the moment as it was.

It was kinda dissapointed that I didn't come earlier. As the sun settled into the horizon, I found myself wanting more. More time with the place. More time for the breeze to play with me. More time for my thoughts to play so it won't have to bug me. I wasn't satisfied. I haven't take in all the contentment of the place. The peaceful place amidst the sounds of the waves and children playing along the shore. I'm coming back there soon. It's my newfound sanctuary.

Learning how to do nothing........

Post Eat Pray Love

Nur, which one of these to read first? :p

Shaking Off The Rust.......

I'm in a phase where I'm evaluating my life again. Don't ask me why and how. I just tend to do this basically. Heh! I feel lost again. Unfortunately! I really do. It's like I'm not satisfied with who and where I am now. Thing is, I don't know what I want neither.

One thing I do know though, I need to find peace, to be content. I was seeking peace during Ramadhan and I'm glad I found it. Then! Doesn't matter how long it lasted, the point is I found it. And it is good enough for me to know that I can be content, if I work for it.
I can find peace, if I look for it again. And make it last, or at least stay a little longer.

I believe that I need to start from within, my inner self, then work my way out. I also believe that our inner self is a calm happy place. Just that, it is contaminated by the hustle and bustle of its surroundings. I need to clear off the things that is blocking my inner peace from shining through. I'm not sure how to do that to be honest.

A friend told me to pray, seek forgiveness from God, which makes all sense really. Who can give us the greatest love? Who can give us endless contentment. Who can give us the deepest serenity?

Looking for a permanent fix.......

Hasty Moves

I bought 2 books again yesterday. The Pact by Jodi Picoult and Cry Salty Tears by Boy George's mother. I forgot her name, I lend the book to my colleague. Only because I have 2 other books to read excluding the one I'm currently reading which is Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat Pray Love. I'm not even half way through. There's so many things to do, so many to attend to.

Sadness is a place and sometimes people live there til their end......

How Did We End Up Here?

Not only some things are better left unsaid, some things are best left undone. Somehow it felt like we tried hard to please each other but end up hurting ourselves instead. We strayed too far from the initial path that we can't find our way back. No matter how hard we try, no matter how much we want to. All that is visible, and the only path left to go is the finish line.

Do we stick around and continue on hurting each other or end the journey and embark on a new separate life? Is there any better way that remains unclear to us?

What we need is shadowed by what we want........

The Better of Me.....

Nothing make sense anymore. It feels like I'm accelerating but stuck at the same time. Everything is moving so fast and yet I'm stagnant. I want to slow down but how can I when I haven't move at all. I'm not making sense myself, am I?

It feels like I'm on top of the world and dying at the same time.........

If Only You Realise.....

It's not our fault if certain people become oblivious or choose to be oblivious to what is happening around them. It's either that they are innocently ignorant, or ignorantly innocent or just plain selfish to acknowledge it. Seriously, if everything is laid down depiched, only needing a comprehension, we can't spell it out for them anymore. That's just plain silly. Or maybe they are just holding onto a small keeping of pride for themselves. But what's there to keep if you have so much to lose?

Rainbows though beautiful are just an illusion........

One Art

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster.

-Elizabeth Bishop

Things To Think About.....

Finally, I've finished Anna Maxted's Being Committed. I'm so glad! I was forcing myself to finish reading the book because it really is not my cup of tea. Enough said!

I'm gonna start on a new book later today. Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. If my memory serves me right, it was the no.2 bestsellers of 2006, or was it 2007? Damn forgetful brain! Oh, it is also in the Oprah's Book Club list. So it must be something. Not that I've read any books recommended by the club. Heh! I'm exhausted. Yawn!

Choice is what you have......

There's Always A Silver Lining

Everybody hates to lose. It's human nature that we simply hate losing. Not only to lose something or someone means its taken away from us physically, it also leaves us with a void emotionally. This void, no matter how small it can be, is like a black hole, pulling and draining everything into it, everything including what's good.

However, to lose something or someone might do us some good especially when it's something meaningful or someone we dearly love. It keeps us in check with our genuine emotion, how we truly feels. Because trust me, emotions can be superficial sometimes. Moreover, losing makes us appreciate things more. It teaches us to be more thankful and sincere. How does one understand and appreciate what happiness is if one's never hurt right? What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger.

Is there any way to find out if it's real.......

It Goes Nowhere....

People has been exhausting me lately. There's so many to attend to. I'm not complaining (or maybe I am but it's not like I hated them for that or anything). It's just that, I feel like I'm constantly on the move, I need to pause for a bit. I'm used to giving attention but it is usually to one or at least two person, and not simultaneously. But now, it's like they are all asking for it at the same time. Not that they blurted out 'I need your attention' right to my face. But I'm sure you know what I meant.

All these makes me want to stand still for a while. Take a break. Be on my own and attend to myself once in a while. Makes me think, all these attention giving, have I ever attend to my needs. Does anyone out there care what I want for a change? I think not! Or maybe there are someone but not those I expected. Which now makes me selfish. Hmm again! The irony of life. Unlucky me.

Somewhere I read that 'If you can't say what you mean, don't get surprised if people don't do what you want'. Does that makes me the problem then? :/

To be like a river that flows,
silent through the night,
not fearing the darkness and
reflecting any stars high in the sky.
-Manuel Bandeira

You didn't take a fall for me.........

Life's A School

I learnt that it takes time to experience something meaningful. I learnt that it takes time to appreciate something as well. I learnt that everything is not what it seems like. I learnt that we'll get more if we dig deeper or just leave it be (whichever works the best). I learnt that things can be done as an act of pure love (or hate!!). I learnt that love is not a good enough reason (or maybe it is! depending how it turns out for you) I learnt that pride has to be put to a good use or it can destroy you. I learnt that second chances are rare. I learnt that some people just never learn, and when they do, it's always too late. Most importantly, I learnt that we are after all, only human.

As The Sun Sets

It's about time to start a new chapter......

//edited PS. I so love this picture taken yesterday (monday) using my Sony Ericsson W660i. Cool or what. SiGh!!

Leave Something Behind......

"I take her with me, wherever I go......" was the last sentence of Jodi Picoult's My Sister's Keeper. I must say, I didn't expect the book to be so moving and heartbreaking (if that's the right word but I certainly felt that way). Thanx Nur for recommending the book. Seems that you do know what I like and not like. Or are we simply similar? Huhu! :p

I don't have anything thoughtful (ehem! Uhuks!) to say tonight. I'm still recovering from the aftermath, for finally reaching the conclusion of the book.

There never is the right and easy way.......

Quotomatic Machine: Love

Love has all the lasting permanence of a rainbow - beautiful while it's there, and just as likely to have disappeared by the time you blink.

-My Sister's Keeper, Jodi Picoult

In The Eye Of The Hurricane

I'm going through a calmer phase of life. Funny. With everything that have been going on, peace keeps me company. I'm truthfully grateful that I'm able to see things in a positive perspective. This inner peace is long overdue and it couldn't have come at a better time. A friend asked, "How can you act as if nothing happened?" Honestly, I don't know. Maybe, like myself, some people are misunderstood. Then again, I don't want to rationalise them. They should take responsibility for themselves. As for me, I've learnt that things happened and some things are beyond our control. So, we just have to live with it, like dealing with a headache, we take our medication and let it work its way. Pain or no pain, I've done my part.

Things cannot be undone but we can make it better...........

Of All Things......

Just as I thought that it has ended, a very very long time ago, it reappears and numbs me. It's like am I supposed to feel flattered, or otherwise? I don't know really. Why now? Why when I was getting use to missing it all? Humph!

Are you planning to stay or just dropping by?

Quotomatic Machine: Lesson

"After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul, and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security, and you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises, and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child. You learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So, plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure... that you really are strong, and you really do have worth."

-Anonymous

Like A Flowing River

"A river never passes the same place twice," says a philosopher. 'Life is like a river," says another philosopher, and we draw the conclusion that this is the metaphor that comes closest to the meaning of life. Consequently, it is always good to remember during all the year to come.

We are always doing things for the first time.
While we move between our source (birth) to our destination (death), the landscape will always be new. We should face these novelties with joy, not with fear - because it is useless to fear what cannot be avoided. A river never stops running.

We are one.
We were born in a place that was meant for us, which will always keep us supplied with enough water so that when confronted with obstacles or depression we have the necessary patience or strength to move forward.

-Paulo Coelho

Come Out, Come Out Wherever You're Hiding.....

Things are getting out of hand. Isn't that great? It's harder when others get themselves involved in the situation. When you, the centre of it all, left insignificant.

There'll be more bitter days to come. When things were just about to get right, the past reappears. Its ghost will not rest. They will not let it escape, not without punishments anyway.

Maybe some things are better left unattended.......

Million Little Pieces

Yesterday, note its past midnight now, was no ordinary day. A lot has been happening. I guess everything happens for a reason. And I'm trying to figure out what good reason will come out of these. Some things get out of hand that its not my call anymore. Unfortunately!

We mostly act on our emotional stupidity. Yes! It's stupid to follow our emotion sometimes. Things get either over exaggerated or underrated. Some people are blinded to see how their acts affect other people. Yes! They are selfish that way. And yes! Some people will never learn. It's heartbreaking and dissapointing really but we can only do so much. The rest is up to them, or else we just need to pack our things and fled the scene. No matter how heavy our steps are, it needs to be done. It has to. We need to. We just need to accept the fact that some things are beyond mending.

"Can you help me? It's broken"
"How did you break it?"
"I trusted someone. Can you fix it?"
"I'm sorry I can't help"
"Why not?"
"It's broken into a million little pieces"

It was everything to me..........

The Reason

When your existence in this world is due for a purpose, a soul reason, that when it is done, there's nothing left for you but the end.

We always seek to find a reason because nothing is unsatisfying...........

Pain Is The Absence Of Every Good Thing.

If a person really wants to do something, they would have already done it. So when you expect someone to do something, that you expected them to do, something they promised they would do and still they didn't. Then..................they don't really want to do it. Maybe it's not that important to them after all. Maybe, you are not that important to them after all. Something to think about huh?

It's stupid to fight over nothing........

I'm Sorry I'm Not As Perfect As You Wanted Me To Be

I am many things. And one of them is commitment phobic. I have a fear of commitment. I guess I have my valid reasons. And don't argue! Its valid! Anyway, I don't have any specific point for my claim above. I just want to come clean with myself. To embrace my fear, to acknowledge my flaws and maybe try to fix it. To be a better person and to feel good with myself.

It's not I wanted to be a commitment phobic. It just happens to be that way. It has been proven many times that I am. I didn't mean to do it intentionally. I didn't mean to hurt people along the process. I had no control of the demon inside me. The one that constantly tells me to go away, leave! because its getting more and more suffocating. But I'm aware that people got hurt along the way, and I can't offer them any good reasons. Because a fear of commitment shouldn't be a reason at all. But it is for me, sadly.

I don't expect you to understand because I could never understand it myself. It's like a disease that won't go away and I have gotten used to it. There's nothing much I can do about it really. I mean, how do you fix a commitment phobic? One might say, it will change when I found the right person to commit to. But I don't think so, because the issue is not about the other person. The issue is about me. I am a commitment phobic, this is who I am. I'm sorry, I'm not as perfect as you wanted me to be.

"Intimacy is a four syllable word for 'Here's my heart and soul, please grind them into hamburger, and enjoy'. Its both desired and feared. Difficult to live with and impossible to live without" - Meredith, Grey's Anatomy

I thought I found the remedy but I was wrong.........

The Mind

'When we are completely overwhelmed by our emotions, we become the sum total of our thoughts, rather than the instigator and controller of them. To stop this, the mind must be stilled, all thoughts put on hold. To rediscover that our thoughts are under control is incredibly liberating and empowering. Taking control enables us to see things as they really are, without being hindered by associative thoughts, and allows us to respond more appropriately, because our response is direct, based on the here and now'

-Understanding Cancer-

Just Another Day....

"Another day gone......a day closer to fate...Soon you'll find its a lil' bit too late"

Stolen from Nur's e-mail haha :)

The Way You Want It To Be......

Often, one man dreadest fear is another man greatest needs. The world works simply that way. Irony is the name of its game.

We hope for miracle everyday, yet we refuse to work for it. It's like looking for something at the same place over and over again. Well, if it is not there why do we keep coming back? Why do one keep doing the same mistake over and over again? Stupidity? Hopefulness? Take your pick. If it is not there the first time, and even the second time, surely it is never ever going to be there.

There is a saying. It states: 'Shame on you, if you fool me once; Shame on me, if you fool me twice' Well, what about the third and maybe the fourth time? Isn't that just insane?

Some are too afraid to let go. They rather be in that so called 'comfortable zone'. They see greener grass on the other side and yet they are still on their side, standing still on the peebled road hoping for grass to grow there too. Heh! Good luck on that!

The right thing is the last thing you want to do........

Breaking Point

There's a point in your life when you get tired of chasing everyone and trying to fix everything. But it's not giving up. It's realising that you don't need certain people, the bullshit and the drama they bring.

No one waits forever........

Cut Some Slack

Edna St Vincent says, it's not true that life is one damn thing after another; it is one damn thing over and over.

I totally agree! Haha! Individuals make choices. Whatever choices we made, we have to live with it. We can't blame others if they moved on. We can't expect people to fight for us when we, ourself, are not fighting. Even worse, when we make it difficult for them to do so.

In reality, we expect people to pull themselves back to us when we push them away. Seldom, they left. They are not to be blamed.

Edited// I just noticed that my post are not related to d above quote. Haha oh well! They are related in a way, if, you know what's going on with me. Only a few people do and you should be honoured.

It never was my call......

My Virtual Life

Quotomatic Machine: Being Alive

You're alive. Do something. The directive in life, the moral imperative was so uncomplicated. It could be expressed in single words, not complete sentences. It sounded like this: Look. Listen. Choose. Act.

- Barbara Hall, A Summons to New Orleans, 2000

It's A Free Fall

Why do you do the things you do? Don't you think it's about time to take the plunge? Don't you ever think of the things you didn't do? The things that could have been? Don't you want to feel what it is like when you reach the bottom? Or are you comfortable with your castle in the sky?

Look at the things we missed........

Who Has The Answers?

Note: Excuse me if I'm not making any sense. I'm not even sure if I am......

How do we know if a relationship exists or not? How can we draw the line between its existance and non-existance? How do we know we are moving along that path? How do we know we love another? How do we know that we are there, together, not alone? How can we be sure of how we feel? How can we be sure it's permanent? How can we tell that it is pure? So many questions yet so little thoughts to answer. Not now anyway....

Love is a fragile yet complex matter. It's too fragile to grasp on and yet it's so powerful that we need to hold on to it tight.

When most things are left unspoken it's left to the heart to make out of it..............

Getting Forgetful.....

I had a weird dream this afternoon. I know its unhealthy to sleep after Asar but I swear I was so knackered. I doozed off actually. Hmm anyway, about the dream. It was weird cos it felt like I'm half awake, or maybe it was just there in my head or whatever. I can't recall exactly what it was about. All I know is it felt like I was compromising with something. Like I'm doing something to get something that fits me better.

And it felt so real like I was physically doing it. Or maybe I was half awake and imagined it all in my head. We all had this kind of dream dejavu kinda thing. But somehow I sense that the dream meant something, a clue for me to figure out what's right. I missed it. My lost! SiGh!

Take your chance, turn around and go.......

Restatement of Romance

The night knows nothing of the chants of night.
It is what it is as I am what I am:
And in perceiving this I best perceive myself

And you. Only we two may interchange
Each in the other what each has to give.
Only we two are one, not you and night,

Nor night and I, but you and I, alone,
So much alone, so deeply by ourselves,
So far beyond the casual solitudes,

The night is only the background of our selves,
Supremely true each to its separate self,
In the pale light that each upon the other throws.

-Wallace Stevens

In The Darkness, I Found Peace......

Do you know that stars always look brighter if you gaze at them from a darker place. The darker it gets, the more clearer and brighter they become. Isn't that just amazing? The dark is always associated with nothingness, an emptiness, and yet you can get something so beautiful out of it. How many of you noticed that? I guess it's true that, sometimes we find the best thing at the least expected place. We just need to pay a little more attention.

We could be looking at the same star.......

A Conversation One Afternoon

"I think....all the things that have happened were meant for us to end up here. This is as far as it gets"

"No further?"

"Nothing more"

"I don't know......."

"I do still appreciate you, our history, the present and future. It will be our keeping. It will always be the same if we let it be"

"I'm not sure if it will be...."

"It will be. I promise"

"I fear that you will ignore me...."

"If you were not you, I probably would, but you are already a significant part of me."

"I think you could, but you wouldn't"

"Shutting you out of my life is simply unimaginable. I don't think I can manage that myself"

"You remembered what I told you about obligations?"

"What's your point?"

"Maybe this is our obligation, to have this whatever is it now that we are experiencing, to be where we are now"

"You seem sure"

"We just have to trust what feels right. It does, doesn't it?"